Touch

Sometimes life reminds you of the importance of the simple things - the things a friend can do to make you feel less alone, less vulnerable, less sad.  A hand on your shoulder, a squeeze of your hand, a kick in the ass.

Scientists attempt to explain why touch makes us feel "better" - release of oxytocin, reduction of cortisol, changes in levels of various immune cells. But the simple truth is sometimes the touch of another person is all that stands between us and despair.

Physical contact connects us in a unique way.  A mother as she holds her newborn baby the first time, a daddy as he wipes away his child's tears, new lovers locked in an embrace and old lovers who hold hands late into the night. Touch without words, speaking volumes to the heart, giving life to the spirit. Reminding us that we are not alone.


Hold Me
Hold me
Just for now
Let me rest my head on your chest
Let me hear your heart beating
Let me feel your breath on my skin
Let me know I'm safe and protected
In your arms
Just for now
Hold me

You Left

You Left

I don't know what I expected
But what ever it was, that's not what I got
I did NOT expect to cry
as I sat in that church
I walked in angry
I was not there for you
I was there for your mother, your sister, your brothers
I was there for our friends
the ones who had forgiven you
I was there for our childhood
I was NOT there for you.
You made your choice
You walked away
You got stoned, you got sick, you died
You gave everything away - for nothing
You turned your back on me, on your family, on your life
I didn't have to accept you
when you finally decided to reclaim what you had thrown away
And so, I didn't
Then why did I cry?
Why did you go?

Begin Again

Two years ago this month I started this blog.  When I started, it was to continue what had become a daily habit of posting on a CaringBridge site for a dear friend.  That friend left us and I continued the blog for a while but eventually it fell from my life.
Lately there have been things that have made me want to write again.
Instead of starting something new I've gone back to some things that I wrote more than 30 years ago.  After a little editing, I would like to share some of those old poems here.  Maybe something new will follow . . .

Hands

Your hand in mine
across the table
uneaten food between us
unspoken words
Your hand in mine
in the dark, TV screen glowing
but unwatched
Your hand in mine
late at night, walking the hall
IV pole leading the way
Your hand in mine
monitors and people
confusion in the ICU
Late one night
the last night, saying goodbye
My hand in yours

How Lucky I Am!

 How lucky I am indeed!

I've had my share of goodbye's lately ~ a lot of them happened last weekend. We traveled to Central Arkansas to be present for the marriage of our Godson F John Rickert to the beautiful Hannah Moore.  It was a beautiful wedding and a truly spectacular day on the top of Mt. Nebo in Northwest Arkansas.  Listening to Hannah & F John speak their vows to one another took me back to my own wedding day and to the day F John's parents wed.  I was so happy to see all these people who I haven't seen in way too many years ~ until we got there I didn't even realize I've been missing them like crazy!

Megan flew from North Carolina to be with all of us.  It was so good to see her (don't tell her but I've been missing her like crazy too!).

The goodbye's started Saturday night when we said good night to the happy couple.  Suddenly the baby I held in my arms, the toddler who crawled all over me, the little boy who taught my own children so many clever ways to get into trouble, was now a man with a wife of his own (but still teaching my children clever ways to get into trouble).  And now it was time to say goodbye and send them off.  "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." 

On Sunday we drove Megan to the airport to send her back to North Carolina.  Have I told her that I'm proud of her??  Somehow it wasn't so hard to send her away when she was 18 and heading off to college ~ maybe because I like her a lot more now!  "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." 

Sunday night we re-created a dinner party from when our children were small.  I looked around the table and realized how lucky I am.  I have wonderful friends with whom I share an amazing history.  We have awesome children who have become awesome adults and friends.  That night we said some more goodbye's.  "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." 

Monday, after a good country breakfast, we loaded up the car and got ready to head for home.  We said our final goodbye's on the doorstep and vowed not to wait so long to see one another again.  "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." 

Today the community of St. Norbert remembers how lucky we are.  We truly had something that made saying goodbye very hard.  Today marks one year since Fr. Valker went home to be with God ~ the God who loves him so very much and who he loved and served in this life.  In last week's bulletin Fr. Bob wrote a wonderful "Heinz Site" about Fr. Valker (if you haven't read it, here's the link http://stnorbertparish.org/pages/documents/norb102112.pdf).  Fr. Bob had some pretty powerful things to say but two of those things stuck with me all week.   First was that he loved Fr. Valker but wished he would have told him.  Second he asked what Fr. Valker would say to us about being the kind of people we should be . . . the kind of people we want to be  . . . the kind of people God wants us to be.  This really got me thinking about conversations I've had with Fr. Valker over the years.  Whenever I would "confess" to Fr. Valker that I felt I lacked patience ~ patience with my family, with my co-workers or with the kids I taught in RE ~ he would tell me to "just love them".  Now I don't know about you, but that makes two guys that I have a lot of respect for talking about love.  Telling me that love is what's important and reminding me to tell the people I love just that ~ "I love you".  So maybe for this week I will make it my "Compassion It" act to tell those people that I love them ~ as a tribute to my friend Dick Valker.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

One year . . . 12 months . . . 52 weeks . . . 365 days

No matter how you count it a year has passed since we were sitting "vigil" with our dear Fr. Valker as he walked his path to heaven.  In two short weeks we will mark the first anniversary of his home going.  Much has changed in that year ~ in our parish and in my home.  Fr. Bill has moved on to pastor the people of St. Joan of Arc parish.  We've sent more good people home to God including three that I still argue went too soon.  Friends have lost friends.  People have come into my life and one can even understand my "rocky days".  My daughter left to pursue a Master's degree at the University of North Carolina and my son came home to find his path.  I'm back in school after a short medical break and working on a new direction.  But some things are still the same ~ I still have a wonderful friend and mentor who continues to guide & inspire me.  I'm still employed (and having a great time with my job!).  I'm surrounded by people who love me.


One year . . . 12 months . . . 52 weeks . . . 365 days


Here's what I wrote to Fr. Valker one year ago today.  Again the weather has changed, still the words ring true.

Good Morning Fr. Valker!
Even tho the weather has changed, I hope there is still sunshine in your room in the faces of your friends & family.  Please know that every thought of you brings a smile to my face ~ sometimes a little bit of a sad smile but a smile nonetheless.  You know, Mother Teresa had something to say about smiling:

"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."

So today I send my smiles to you and your family and the people taking care of you and especially to Fr. Bob, Fr. Bill & Fr. Mueller because I know that as solid as they all seem, they could probably use a little "action of love" and a little "gift". 

If you are reading this, I send my smiles to you as an action of love and a gift to you.  If you are reading this always remember that you are important, that you count, that you are loved.

 
When I went back to writing this blog I intended to post something at least weekly ~ and then life happened.  So here's what's been making me think lately (a lot!) . . .

Sometimes one class is all I can handle
Sometimes people disappoint me
Sometimes life isn't fair
Sometimes people surprise me in a not so good way
Sometimes people surprise me in a really great way
Sometimes feelings sneak up on me
Sometimes I forget to pray
Sometimes it's just hard to pray
Sometimes I forget to say "I love you"
Sometimes it's just hard to say "I love you"
Sometimes I forget what's REALLY important
Sometimes I fall asleep when I meant to stay awake
Sometimes what really needs to be said is hard to say
Sometimes another person's needs have to come first
I can do something but I can't do everything

If any of you see something in there that has affected you in some way know that I'm working on it and I really don't mean to hurt.

And about the praying part . . . thank you to my Jesuits who don't give up on me and keep sending me reminders.  And Pedro Arrupe, I'm sorry I didn't find you until you were gone from this world.  Your words bring me much joy (although sometimes much confusion!)  If you don't know this good Jesuit, here's something to start with:

"More than ever I find myself in the hands of God.
This is what I have wanted all my life from my youth.
But now there is a difference;
the initiative is entirely with God.
It is an indeed profound spiritual experience
to know and feel myself so totally in God's hands."

School Daze

I have always admitted that what I write always finds its foundation in the writings of others ~ some contemporary and some more classic.  One would think that with 16 years of Catholic schooling I would have been introduced to ALL of the "great" Catholic writers and yet it has only been in the past 10 years that I have discovered the treasures to be found in the writing of people like Henri Nouwen, Brennan Manning & Francis Thompson ~ Dorothy Day, Richard Rohr & Jean Vanier.  But one of my favorites (although I totally discounted him in my 20s) is Thomas Merton.

Especially this year, as I get ready to go back to class, I find myself wandering through Merton's words

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I now that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

Three years ago God put me on a new path sending me back to school for the education I need for the next "right road" He has in store for me.  This year I'm changing programs.  Does that mean I was on the wrong path when I started?  I hardly think so.  Everything I learned those first 5 semesters stays with me as I move forward.  When I took my first steps on this road I felt very  much like Merton.  I had NO idea where I was going.  Now I think I have SOME idea.  Usually when I start to feel this way something changes and God puts me back on that unsure road.  I'm trying not to be anxious about what I cannot see ahead of me.  I'm trying to trust God "though I may seem to be lost".

Tuesday evening I put my foot back on that road . . .